From Naruto to You
by The Crafty Cracker
Summary: What if the characters of Naruto suddenly found this website and read all of our stories? Of course they'll have something to say about it! Who wants to have themselves paired off with another guy or a snake transvestite? Sharpen your kunai and ready your shields, because the Narutoverse will be attacking soon! (A spin-off of Sariniste's Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors.) Parody.
1. Chapter 1 - Uzumaki Naruto

**This fan fic was something that I've been thinking of a while back. So, I researched on some stuff on the internet just in case someone thought about it. Lo and behold, I found **_**Sariniste's **_**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**** and it was the bomb! Sooo, this is my take on her fan fic about how the Narutoverse would react if they read fan fics written by us. XD (I already wrote to her that I would be adapting her fan fic, so I have permission, ladies and gents!)**

**If you want to check out **_**Sariniste's **_**work, here's a link: www . fanfiction s / 8300491 / 1 / Dear – Bleach – Fanfiction - Authors (warning: it's deathly amusing. Just remove the spaces.)**

**From Naruto to You**

Rated T

(Because I might use a lot of foul language depending on my mood.)

Chapter 1

Uzumaki Naruto

**Dear Naruto fan fiction writers,**

A couple of months ago, Ero-sennin told me about this new 'thing' that people are obsessed about. He says that it made good research material for his next book because he didn't have to go to bathhouses just to see naked women. He says that it's called the 'Internet' and it's found inside this box thingy that people seem to spend most of their time in.

I never took the time to explore the 'Internet' because I'm so busy with saving the world and I just finished defeating Madara and putting the Gedo statue in my backyard as a war trophy. But, I suddenly missed Ero-sennin and I finally opened this letter he left me just before he died. In it were some words that would direct me to a place where I would be enlightened, he said. He also said that he has tons of memorabilia there for me.

And I found this place.

The first thought that entered my mind was 'what the f***'. At first, I thought that this was some sort of sick, practical joke by Ero-sennin where he sent me to a place where there are _hundreds of thousands _of perverts who enjoy writing about my nakama and even my enemies. I also thought that this was another way for him to spread the Icha Icha series to many people. But I guess I was wrong.

So, I kinda moved on from my initial shock and read some of the works. They're under so many names that I don't know if they're all Ero-sennin or if he trained a disciple in perverted writing. I guess he can take other students who're not interested in being a shinobi.

But I finally figured out that these were written by tons of different people who fantasize about me getting all the girls that I know. And because of that, I have a lot of questions and I think I need to write them to you.

First of all, _why do you always write me as an idiot?! _I mean, the number of times I've been called a 'baka', 'dobe' or whatever maybe amounts to a million times! I'm not a BAKA! I'll prove it to you someday when I become Hokage and I'll burn all of those stories you've written about me being a BAKA! Let's see who's a BAKA now! You're all BAKA! BAKA, BAKA, BAKA!

And why did I read some stuff about me being all Sasuke and broody and bitchy?! I know I'm cool but there are some stories where I'm written like a Sasuke clone! I'm actually proud that I achieved my power through hard work and not because some mysterious shinobi found me and blessed me with god-like powers! I know I'm the Fourth Hokage's son but I really didn't know that and it took me a while to become this powerful! I didn't come out of my mother knowing how to throw multiple Rasengans!

There are also some of you who wrote that I actually turned evil, joined the Akatsuki, or threatened to destroy Konoha! Excuse me! No matter how much the citizens of my village wanted me dead and no matter how much the shinobi sickeningly put everything on my shoulders as if they had no powers of their own, I would die first before I lay a finger against my village! I want to become Hokage, for kami's sake! I don't want to go all Orochimaru just because I have a tragic past!

And then there's this thing about me and Sasuke! I literally wanted to burn my eyes out when I read that there are actually **820 **stories featuring me and that teme as a "pairing"! What the hell is wrong with you people?! Just because I accidentally crashed into him and our lips touched *gag* *gag* *gag*, doesn't mean that you have to picture him and me doing… YUCK! I can't even say it! And just because I want to rescue him, doesn't mean we're 'together'! Are you all that stupid?! I care about him AS A FRIEND! Like any friend, even you would die and go all desperate if your friend left you! Right? RIGHT?! You guys are so fucking twisted I can't even say it! Delete them! DELETE THEM NOW!

Ugh! I'm getting hungry! The only thing you got right is my love for ramen! Now I want to go to Ichiraku's! But I'll think up of something more once I get back to you!

AND I DON'T ALWAYS SAY DATTEBAYO!

P.S. I can't believe Ero-sennin actually let me read this stuff! Did he honestly think that I'm gay?! I'm NOT gay! Just because most of my friends are male and there're only a few girls that I have to settle for someone who beats me up any chance she gets doesn't mean I'll choose guys!

**- Uzumaki Naruto**

* * *

**So there! This is not yet over! And you can give me suggestions on what to write if you've observed some patterns in the Naruto fan fiction universe. Just feel free to drop your 'additions'.**

**And don't get offended if you read something you don't like! This is all humor! If you don't like it, don't read it!**


	2. Chapter 2 - Hatake Kakashi

**I think I'll do four consecutive updates. Since I'm in the mood to write.**

Chapter 2

Hatake Kakashi

**Dear Naruto fanfiction writers,**

I found Naruto complaining to me a while ago about some place where Jiraiya pointed him to. As usual, I was too absorbed in reading my Icha Icha book that I only caught the words 'stories', 'perverted', and 'Ero-sennin'. Naturally, I thought that Jiraiya left Naruto a map that would lead him to a place where he could find Jiraiya's works, finished and unfinished. I was always so disappointed that the Icha Icha series would come to an end because of Jiraiya's death. I mean, who would continue his legacy?! I'm not a writer or anything and even though I wanted to, I don't think I'm that of an open pervert. I was categorized as a closet pervert by the expert himself.

So, I had to find out for myself. I had to perform a genjutsu on Naruto to make him reveal the location of this place. To my surprise, it was in a 'computer', a technological device that I only found in the Communications department of Konoha and the Interrogation Unit. Of course, I couldn't use one without the express permission of Tsunade-sama and I don't think she would agree to let me use a 'computer' just so that I can find the last of Jiraiya's work. But I managed to get a hold of one. Although, I was briefly halted on my way there because I had to help a child bring down her cat which was stuck up a tree. Please don't ask me how I infiltrated the Communications department. I might have to kill you.

And there it was, right before me – a paradise of action, romance, humor, and so many more that clutched my heart the same way it did whenever I read the Icha Icha series! What surprised me is that it's written by many authors whose nations of origin I don't even know about! Where is U.K.? Where is U.S.? Are these hidden villages too? If they are, I might have to report this to Tsunade-sama because I have never heard of such places before and if they have remained a secret for such a long time, then we have to get to the bottom of this.

Once I got over my initial surprise and curiosity, I found out that the stories actually used us as characters! Imagine my surprise! It was only typical that I find ones about me (with much difficulty, of course! What are 'filters'?!). There were **19,400 **stories about me. It's a great honor! I never knew that I was this popular even with places that I know absolutely nothing about.

I was browsing through the stories and I found some endearing ones about me and my team. I love Team 7, by the way. And I'm quite surprised by the intel you have on me. How did you know that I fight and train with my students while holding an Icha Icha book?! What sort of espionage technique are you using? If for some reason you have acquired the Sharingan or the Byakugan, then you have to answer to the Hokage. (Although I don't think I can reveal to her how I found out about these things because she'd kill me if she found out I snuck into the Communications division just to use a 'computer'.)

And what's up with this Kakashi, O.C. What's an O.C.? When I attempted reading one of the stories, it's about some woman that I don't even know of! Does she exist in real life? If so, I don't really have time to find her. I mean, I could have any woman if I wanted to because Guy always says that I'm popular with girls (but I don't know why and how he said that). I'm just too busy reading about fantasy romance and lust stories that I can't find a decent love life of my own.

And then I found more disturbing stories. Ones about me and Sakura. I nearly blew my cover when I found out that someone has been writing lewd scenes with me and my precious student in it! I'm (about) 30 years old! And she's what, 16? Sure, Sakura's pretty but I'm more interested in women my age. And if Tsunade-sama finds out about this, she'll think that your stories are true (since you did get the fact that I read books _always _right) and she'll think that I raped her student or something. I'm not like that! Yare, yare. Your intelligence in that field is wrong. I do have a strict moral code even though it can be doubted because of my frequent tardiness and tendency to read sensual books.

And what's up with this fascination about how I look under my mask? It's nothing special, really. I just like wearing a mask. And it's not because I have bad breath or buck-teeth. I just… well, someone once told me that it adds to the mystery of my personality. So, there. That's what I would use as a reason.

As much as I find everything entertaining, I'd have to investigate further on you guys. Even though you often say that 'Naruto isn't mine', (whatever the hell that means), you seem to have a lot of Intel about Naruto (why do you call all of us 'Naruto'? Do we belong in some show or whatever that's called after my student? If yes, then how did that happen?)

**- Hatake Kakashi**

* * *

**Take note that this is not all. I can make a Hatake Kakashi part II or something. He's investigating, remember? XD Wait til he finds all the yaoi stories about him. He'll die!**

**Cheers!**


	3. Chapter 3 - Haruno Sakura

Chapter 3

Haruno Sakura

**Dear Naruto fan fiction authors,**

SHANNAROOOOO!

WAIT 'TIL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU RETARDS! WHO THE HELL SAID THAT I'M A BITCH AND THAT I'M ANNOYING?! ONLY SASUKE-KUN GETS TO TELL ME THAT I'M ANNOYING! YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT! HOW CAN YOU JUDGE ME WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME?!

*Breathes in* *Breathes out*

I can't believe Ino dragged me into this! I was actually listening to Naruto (for once) and I let him drag me into one of these 'wishful thinking dates' at Ichiraku's. I was having a perfectly normal day with my not-so-normal friends when the pig got me all curious and brought me to the Intel Division to look at the 'Internet'. I don't even know how Ino knows about these things, but I humored her. And I won't ever admit that I'm curious!

So we started looking over the stories and I was right in thinking that Jiraiya-sama would give us perverted crap. Tsunade-sama was always right whenever she would beat him up. Maybe I should beat Naruto up since he was the one who actually brought us here in the first place.

I have never been so humiliated in my entire life! I've been portrayed as a complete bitch in some of the stories. I don't beat Naruto up for no reason! And it's not as if he hates me for it. I think he even likes it! He's wired that way and he's perverted, so you know what I mean. Don't hate me just because I'm a girl who defends herself whenever she's insulted! I won't take insults lying down anymore! I'm not the girl who would feel all mopey and depressed when people tease me for having a large forehead! It's not my fault!

Granted, I admit that I _do _let Sasuke trample on my feelings and that I completely disregard the fact that he almost killed me. I still love him! Isn't that the point of loving someone?! That you love them despite and in spite the fact that he's a murderous, power-hungry bastard whose sole aim in life is to get abducted by a gender-confusing snake man with odd fetishes and to obsess over his own brother.

And I'm struggling with my feelings of uselessness! I trained under a Legendary Sannin! I am a renowned medic! I don't depend on my teammates each and every time! I actually have the strength of ten men or more although it's completely nullified when I'm in front of Sasuke-kun! I AM NOT USELESS!

Also, why the hell would you pair me up with Naruto?! I don't know any of you guys but just in case you didn't get the message, I DON'T LIKE NARUTO THAT WAY! You have to be abnormal if the only way you show affection towards a guy is to break his bones whenever he tries to ask you out on a date! And don't even start with those 'Rated M' stories! I… I'm a virgin! I don't know how to do those things nor would I ever dream about doing it with Naruto!

And there're also stories about me and Kakashi-sensei! If Jiraiya-sama is your teacher in writing these stories, then you can forget about it and move on with your lives by actually doing something useful! If you think you're outclassing your master by writing 'forbidden romances' between teacher and student, then you are sorely mistaken! Even though Ayame-san keeps on saying that Kakashi-sensei is a 'hottie', I will never go for guys twice my age! I go for the dark, brooding, emo types who don't give a rat's ass about me and how I feel.

I'm so angry right now and the only consolation I have is that there're more love stories about me and Sasuke-kun than there is about him and Ino! She's practically sobbing right now. Heh. You guys have good taste. **1,100 **stories compared to a measly **30. **Hah! Take that, Ino-pig!

P.S. My favorite stories are the ones about Sasuke asking me to help him rebuild the Uchiha clan. You have a point whenever you say that I'm the most viable and powerful kunoichi that he could choose! And he's closest to me! Of course he would choose me!

**- Haruno Sakura**


	4. Chapter 4 - Yamanaka Ino

Chapter 4

Yamanaka Ino

**Dear Naruto fan fiction writers,**

HOW DARE YOU?!

Just in case you noticed, Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten aren't the only female characters in Naruto! Let me remind you that I'm the smartest and most talented girl in my year at the Academy and I'm also the prettiest! Just because I like looking good doesn't mean that I'm completely useless and you portray me as someone who only cares about boys and my appearance! I have depth and substance! (Even more than Sakura!)

I have to admit that the only reason why I wanted to check this site (yes, I know it's called a site because I'm the only smart and trendy one in this village!) was because I might find something interesting. And since Naruto told us that it was filled with stories using us as characters, I might as well look for the ones written about me.

And let me clarify some stuff for you idiots. I'm not _in love _with Sasuke in the same way Sakura does. She's actually completely obsessed with him while my feelings are more logical and a bit on the childish side. I don't let him consume my entire life and we've all been children once, right? I believed that I was the one for him when we were little and I competed with Sakura over it, completely disregarding our friendship all for the sake of a boy whose only crush is his older brother. But I'm over him! I have been ever since he left! Sure, I cried when I found out that he became a criminal in the eyes of the international community, but I moved on. I'm not like Sakura who made fake confessions and who tried assassinating him (to no avail, take note) just because of Sasuke!

What's up with all these stories about me and Shikamaru?! He's my teammate! It's practically incest! And I don't like lazy bastards! He's not even that handsome! I do go for pretty boys and Shikamaru's not like that at all! He's with that Sand nin, I think. Even I don't know what's up between them. Write about them!

And me and Chouji?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! It's not that I have anything against him and fat guys (he's not here! And I'm the only one who can call him that way!) but he's not my type! Why do you always get my type wrong?! Chouji's a nice guy and all, but again, HE'S NOT MY TYPE! That's all the reasoning I can give to you guys! And since when have I ever dropped even the faintest trace of attraction towards Chouji?! Stupid imbeciles!

There are also some stories about me and Kiba. What's up with that too?! He's also not my type! So what if he caught me when I fell during the Fourth Shinobi War?! Plenty of guys would have caught a girl when they're falling about twenty feet from the ground! And I never liked dogs! They pee and trample on flowers! I like Akamaru, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves his dogs more than me! I happen to like being the sole center of attention, thank you very much!

Don't get me started about the ones written about me and Shino. If I don't like dogs, I hate bugs even more!

The only ones I remotely found likeable are the ones about me and Sai. Now that has some potential. You were right in noting that I could teach him a thing or two about socialization. But don't even think about me teaching him sex! What the hell is wrong with you?! Just because I wear skimpy and sexy clothes, doesn't mean that I've had sex with more than ten men! I'm 16 and I'm a virgin, for your information! I'm flattered that you think I'm sexy but I'm totally insulted that you think I'm a whore!

I also found some stories about me and Gaara. Hmm… I kinda like it. Gaara's my type too. Although, going to Suna and living there might do horrible things to my complexion. And there're almost no plants there. How can I even have my own flower shop there?! The only good thing about it is that I get to be the Kazekage's wife. I'll be like a queen! But really, I never gave anyone the reason to think that I'd ever like Gaara. He's more intimidating than Sasuke-kun and I'll leave the inter-village romance to Shikamaru. If I get together with him, then it's like Team 10 AND the Sand Siblings. I think I'll be sick if I imagine Chouji and Kankuro together.

And yes, I did say that I don't like Sasuke-kun in that way anymore but come on! Why does forehead get to do him so many times in so many stories while I only get 30 chances with him?! I'm still very competitive with Sakura! I might get down to it and write my own stories and pair me up with gorgeous guys who are _my type _if only I had the time!

P.S. Why do you have a lot of time on your hands? Aren't you shinobi too? And if you're civilians, don't you have jobs or something? Or school? By the way, what is high school?! Is that some sort of place for civilians to study? Why do you keep on studying until you're 16? We've graduated by that time! I don't understand.

**- Yamanaka Ino**


	5. Chapter 5 - Sai

Chapter 5

Sai

**To the dickless, lifeless Naruto fan fiction writers,**

I have tried to research about this word 'fan fiction' and yet I cannot find anything about it in the archives of Konohagakure. At first, I thought it was a disease spread by the dickless, since it was Naruto who told me about it, but it seemed that I was mistaken. Through the gorgeous Ino's guidance, I was told to look into a computer and 'browse' what is called the Internet. Contrary to what people might think, I was trained by Danzo-sama to use the computer during my time as a Root shinobi because it was essential for communication and archive storage. I also like using the program MS Paint.

However, as much as I learned about the secrets of the computer, I have never used the Internet before. I think it is a new innovation that has not made its appearance in the Root yet. I have decided to use the Root's computer and see if we have this Internet thing and surprisingly (though not much can surprise me), there is the Internet.

Before going to my points, I would like to thank you for taking the time out of your useless, pointless lives to write about me. **2,800 **stories that include me as a character is a bit too much. I always thought that I didn't stand out. I think Danzo-sama would question you as to how you learned so much about me and the Root.

Firstly, I know that much has been written about the _Oiroke: Otokonoko Doshi no Jutsu _(Sexy: Boy on Boy Technique) courtesy of Sarutobi Konohamaru, but I have never said that I was interested in men. I have never been interested in Uchiha Sasuke and I have always maintained that I am suspicious of his intentions of suddenly being a good guy. Although, I must admit that his has very feminine characteristics (the mood swings, sudden changes in decision, the hair, the vengefulness, the repugnance for girls, the obsession on Orochimaru, Uchiha Itachi, and Naruto, etc.) I have never seen him in a romantic light nor do I see any other male that way. I am merely interested if they have penises, which is a completely natural curiosity. I don't ask if someone has a dick simply because of comic relief. I have a deeper purpose for that. I just have to research what that purpose is.

I don't understand my feelings when I read the stories. Even though I said that I never liked men, I also don't like Sakura-san. She's ugly.

I also don't like Yamanaka Ino-san. I only called her 'gorgeous' because I found out that when you call women nicknames that match what you really think of them, they get angry. So, I employed a technique where you use the opposite or what they call 'reverse psychology'. And just because my pattern of dressing is similar to Ino-san's, doesn't mean that we're soul mates. (I know what soul mates mean.)

By the way, what is a high school? And why do some of you say that my civilian clothing looks like a high school uniform? What is that?

And do I really look like Sasuke? Personally, I don't see it. I have a dick. He doesn't.

Also, tell me why your names are so odd. Why do you call yourselves '**oneday575712**'? If you're only one day, why do you amount to 575,712 more? Why do you call yourselves '**The Crafty Cracker**'? Is that a type of new food ration? It doesn't sound very delicious. And is '**Ero-Sennin-Chan' **Jiraiya-sama masking as a cute, innocent girl? If so, then that is very dangerous.

P.S. I am happy that you write me as an integral part of Team 7. Although, I don't understand why you often put me and Sasuke in a rivalry whenever you imagine his comeback to Konoha. A dickless man is no match for me.

- **Sai**


	6. Chapter 6 - Yamato

**Larryjc - the reason why I didn't include the other pairings is because I didn't include _everything _in every entry. There's going to be an Uzumaki Naruto part II and when I decide to add some more stuff (and to add those funny things that you reviewers noticed in fan fics).**

Chapter 6

Yamato

**Dear Naruto fan fiction writers,**

I'll get right down to it and I'll make this short.

My first inquiry is, what language is English, Spanish, and French? I saw Kakashi-senpai use his Sharingan to decode the message and astoundingly, he was reading the offending material aloud when I snuck in. I guess I have to take it up to the Decoding division. I think they have experience in this field. But for the most part, I understood the gist of the stories that you were writing about me and my nakama.

I also understood and heard why Kakashi-senpai suddenly vomited all over the technological device that he was using.

I know I was part of the ANBU before and I was assigned as Kakashi-senpai's replacement. I know that I was bullied by him before just because he was my senior and just because he's powerful. But that doesn't mean that I have a hidden desire for him! I don't LIKE him! How do you even do it with another man? Not that I'm curious or anything. I'm just asking.

I know it was a mistake to follow Kakashi-senpai when he decided to take a look at Jiraiya-sama's legacy! I just wanted to see if it was a hidden technique or something amusing, but I didn't expect this! I am not a pervert, mind you. I have a healthy respect for women.

And just because I'm new to Team 7 like Sai, doesn't mean that you have to write perverted stuff about us. Let me defend my student by saying that just because he's very interested in a particular part of the male anatomy doesn't mean that he's gay.

I'm concluding that the only reason why you keep pairing us guys together is that there's a severe lack of female shinobi in the ranks. You are quite mistaken in that impression! Do you really want me to come after you and show you how frightening I can be? Naruto often says that I'm scarier than Kakashi-senpai, though I really don't know why.

P.S. I swear that I'm 26 years old.

- **Yamato**


	7. Chapter 7 - Tsunade

Chapter 7

Tsunade

**Dear Naruto fanfiction writers,**

I just had to break gambling and sake night for this.

I was informed by the ANBU that Hatake Kakashi and Yamato had been taken to the hospital due to severe blood loss. I was under the impression that they underwent some sort of mission without my knowledge and consent, but I was wrong.

Who are you? Who created this infamy? Who is your owner? Who is your master? If the answer to all of these queries is Jiraiya, then I would have to drag him out of wherever the hell he is after he died and kill him all over again. I am trying to be as calm as possible, but because of this thing called the 'Internet', the entire Konoha shinobi force is requesting for computers installed in their homes and headquarters. Shizune even bought one to 'help' her in her secretarial needs. I think she's only trying to see who she's paired up with in these horrid stories that you're writing.

Unfortunately for you idiots, I know the English language and I don't need anyone to decipher it for me. I thought that it was a dead language, but I was wrong. It won't be long until it died again. I'll make sure it never resurfaces.

The most disturbing part in all of this is the amount of knowledge you have on the shinobi of my village. How did you get this intel? What sort of spying technique are you using? I must commend you on the stealth tactics you are using. Even though your code names are unusual, I find it difficult to track down your whereabouts. I do not know any of these locations you have on your profile and I don't know how you manage to put up so many unnecessary personal data about yourself but still manage to remain hidden. And even though there are some of you who put up photos of yourself, I don't think that any of those images are you. I don't think Naruto has a photo of him kissing Hinata, much less does he have a photo of him being in a very compromising position (willingly, might I add) with Sasuke.

I am going to get to the bottom of this, mark my words. I have sent almost every single Hyuuga to track you down.

But even though I am seething mad right now at the gross invasion of me and my shinobi's privacy, I can't help but explore this place when I spotted my name as one of the characters. You have no sense of respect, do you? Why does this place only contain **33 **stories about me and Dan while I have **638 **with Jiraiya?! Am I right in thinking that this hellhole is made by that pervert?! The information was from Naruto, after all! Tell me the truth or I'll break more than just your bones!

Ugh. There are even more (**151) **stories with me and Orochimaru in it. And I finally understand why there are ratings. I almost poked my own eyes when I read the ones marked 'M'. And here I thought that your Intelligence and Espionage division is impressive. I don't think any one of you has a clue who my lover was. It's definitely not Jiraiya and MOST DEFINITELY not Orochimaru.

I will have to coordinate with the other Kage about this matter. This is the first time I really felt seriously about anything. I can't accept the fact that you're trampling upon the name of the Shinobi. You actually were stupid enough to write about all the other Kage. I think Ohnoki the Tsuchikage will be the only one relieved to hear that he was respected enough not to be included. Or you're just too chicken to write about an old man's romantic life.

Mark my words. I'll get back to you. Or at you. I just have to stop Naruto from spreading the word and tear all of my shinobi off of their 'computers'. Imagine how much one of these costs here in Konoha! And I completely destroyed one when I read the story about me and Orochimaru.

P.S. I saw a story entitled 'A Forbidden Love' where there's an image of me and Uchiha Madara almost kissing. I've read the narrative and you're absolutely right. It would NEVER happen. That's even worse than Ohnoki.

- **The Fifth Hokage, Senju Tsunade**


	8. Chapter 8 - Uchiha Sasuke

**YAY. Thanks for the reviews!**

Chapter 8

Uchiha Sasuke

**Dear Naruto fan fiction writers,**

I don't say 'hn' all the time.

I don't say 'usuratonkachi' all the time.

Just because I have other priorities, doesn't mean that I'm not interested in girls and that I'm gay.

I don't have an incestuous crush on my brother. I merely want vengeance and now that I know the truth, I suddenly want to be Hokage. Don't make fun of that.

I don't have schizophrenia.

Try having your entire family murdered and your parents killed in front of you by your own brother and _not _have issues.

Why does everyone think that rebuilding the Uchiha clan=Sakura? I meant rebuilding the reputation of the Uchiha from the ground up. What are you guys talking about? What other meaning does it have?

I did not kiss Naruto. And I'm not gay.

I did not go to Orochimaru because he's a pimp and I'm a prostitute. And even though his sexuality is questionable, he did not touch me in any inappropriate way.

Why am I classified as a casual pervert?

Who is Hinata? Why am I paired with her in some stories?

Despite my fall to darkness, I don't have weird fetishes and a weird love for 'bondage'. What is that?

My head does not look like a chicken's butt.

Onyx eyes? Raven hair? Is that how you describe things? You're annoying.

Why do you people always write me as an ANBU Captain? I want to be Hokage, not ANBU Captain.

Why is Sakura always my wife? Granted, I think she's capable of bringing forth strong Uchiha heirs, but I haven't thought that far ahead. And I think she's annoying. So is Karin.

I'm not a bastard/teme. I am the legitimate son of Uchiha Fugaku and Uchiha Mikoto. Just because they love Itachi more, doesn't mean that I was picked up from a dumpster.

My powers are not overrated. I am powerful. Do you want me to kill you to prove it?

P.S. Unlike the dobe, I know how to use a computer. Orochimaru taught me. He said he uses it to communicate with a dear friend of his named 'Voldemort'. Another snake-loving bastard, I guess.

- **Uchiha Sasuke**


	9. Chapter 9 - Jiraiya

Chapter 9

Jiraiya

**Dear Naruto fan fiction writers,**

Greetings from heaven!

Heaven has computers and God is a toad.

This is Jiraiya! First of all, thank you for giving me great research material for Icha Icha. Tsunade was never able to figure out how I was able to write something without peeping in the bathhouse anymore. I stopped doing that for about a while already and the only reason why I do it occasionally is for personal reasons.

Your country (or world, wherever you are) has developed a great way to peep on women! Thank you 'porn'! I have spent hours and hours devouring moving images of men and women for my Icha Icha Modern, but alas, I had to die before completing it. Kakashi was so disappointed and because of that, I left a message to Naruto that it is my legacy and my final wish to help the boys of Konoha become men!

Frankly, my own knowledge is shamed by yours! Some of the writers here call their works 'lemons'. I should have entitled my recent work Icha Icha Lemons since it's filled with lemons. I thank you all for trying to explore my relationship with Tsunade and actually writing something about us. I am glad that if she found these stories, she won't be able to do anything to me because I am now dead. Please do not suggest that she use the Edo Tensei. That would be a lifelong torture.

I was only disturbed by some of the stories you've written comparing me to Naruto. Just because he's my student, doesn't mean that I acted like him. That's an insult to my name as a Legendary Sannin. And I am not Minato's father and neither is Tsunade his mother. Although, I do hope that. I have never even had a taste of those… *heehee*

Why are their stories about me and Orochimaru?

P.S. Speaking of Orochimaru, I just found out that he's alive. Please tell him to search 'yaoi' or male-to-male pairings, since I think that he's more interested in that.

P.P.S. I'm sorry that this is so short! There's a time limit for using computers here! Sakumo is gonna use this terminal next.

**- Jiraiya**


	10. Chapter 10 - Umino Iruka

**I would have posted this chapter two days ago, if it weren't for this site deleting my story entitled _Killing Your Darling _and banning me from posting anything for about 48 hours. Reasons for deleting? EXPLICIT CONTENT. The story didn't even have themes of non-con/rape. It was lovemaking, for fuck's sake! Sooo, if my other stories got deleted (Necessary Depravity, Your Fading Starlight) and I got permanently banned here, just fly over to ArchiveOfOurOwn (link found in my profile). My stories will continue there.**

Chapter 10

Umino Iruka

**Dear Naruto fan fiction writers,**

I knew that I shouldn't have passed by Ichiraku's yesterday. Contrary to what they say, it's not better to be ignorant about things. Even though I hate what I just found out, it's better that I discovered this to save me a little bit of dignity and try to complain.

What in the world possessed you people to think that I have a man crush on Hatake Kakashi-san?! I am a respected Academy teacher with the goal of inspiring and guiding future shinobi on the right path! I don't have any fantasies and romantic interests in a fellow man! You are all disrespecting and trampling on my reputation and that of Kakashi-san's! Imagine if any of my students read these stories! They would lose respect for me! I just hope Naruto doesn't open his mouth more often than needed, although I highly doubt that since the volume of his tone yesterday was enough to alert the entire world to his news!

Do you even know the number of times I actually talk to Kakashi-san? Although he is a jounin instructor, he's someone way too far out of my league just to have a casual conversation with! He's highly respected and a highly powerful shinobi! And I'm pretty sure he's also heterosexual. Is this the reason why he was rushed to the hospital last night?! I heard that Yamato-san was also hospitalized too!

I even read one where I'm married to Kakashi-san and have Sakura as our 'daughter'! The nerve!

You keep on saying that this is only a work of your imagination! Try having someone pair you off with the same sex and have them do nasty things to your character! Try that! Let's see if you'll have any ounce of understanding for them!

And I know how to use computers and the Internet. I'm a teacher and this is where I keep the student profiles! Is this the reason why Konohamaru is begging me to let him use the computer? He's even looking at me with that glint in his eyes! If my students find out about this, I'll be fired!

**- Umino Iruka**


End file.
